12:31:05AM
Friday, 5/31/2002

God, I still can’t smile at people not treating me with as much care as I do for them. The bitterness swells up inside me and at that instant I wish I can undo everything I’ve done for them. But I know what I feel is humanly and you don’t like it. Help me though, help me love impossibly. I want to, but I forget that I do sometimes.

I know I must have not just a loving heart, but an accepting heart as well. I tend to judge very quickly and I am too sensitive to the faults of people. If I had a choice, I want to love the best of people and accept the worst about them.

So what do I do when I always get slapped in the face for trying to love unconditionally? Sometimes I want them to see what a difference I am to their lives by leaving them cold, I’m sorry… All want is to be appreciated for what I gave, it is the least I can ask for, and how is it wrong to expect gratitude? Ah I am so selfish…

I hate you for always making me the last. You say you love me; you would get mad when others hurt me, but you of all people hurt me the most. You know what is worse to think about? If you and I were to switch places you would not give to me as I have been giving to you, you would not take the initiatives to find out what heart and soul need, and you would not have the patience to bear me hurting you time and time again.

Sigh… but as long as I am capable I will always take care of you… I just want you to be happy even if you appreciate little what I do. Shh… shut up, don’t lie to me you don’t appreciate it. Maybe I do this to myself… I still dream you would be that one person who will show me love, I believe it because you once told me about it, and I fell for the dream. I know you meant everything you said, but like most people, you probably never expected to have to live up to your words.

You have me the biggest fool in the world.